6 practical tips on how to get along after divorce

With nearly half of marriages in the US ending in divorce, this unfortunate reality can be tough to handle. But don’t give up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Here’s five practical tips to help you figure out how to get along after divorce with your ex-spouse.

So, I have been divorced for 14 years. Although, I am not an expert at divorce, I have learned a thing or two through personal past experiences. Here’s some tips that helped me get along with my ex-husband and move on with my life.

Tip #1: Start your divorce off on the right foot

When I met my ex-husband’s girlfriend, instead of treating her with disdain and anger, I gave her a hug. I told her that I hoped we could be friends one day. And 14 years later, we are friends. That one hug broke down a lot of walls and was an important step. It showed my ex-husband that whatever happened in the past, I was willing to be civil and cordial in the future. In return, my ex-husband has treated me with the same respect. It has made a huge difference.

Tip #2: Consider your ex-spouse’s feelings

Before you jump to conclusions and assume the worst, take a minute to consider how your ex-spouse might be feeling. My husband, Ray, was the one who taught me this important concept. As conversations would come up, I would often hear him say, “How do you think [your ex-husband] would feel about that?” My knee-jerk reaction would be, “Well, I don’t care what he thinks.” But after a while, I realized that was obviously not the right way to look at things.

Tip #3: Always be kind and respectful

But even if there is no reciprocation, it is still important to always be kind. You experience strong emotions during a divorce and a lot of the time, you don’t know how to handle this healing process. You’ll never regret being kind, but you will most certainly regret being unkind. For example, meet your ex-spouse halfway when dropping off kids and always say thank you when your ex-spouse is trying.

Tip #4: Don’t bad mouth your ex-spouse

Negativity breeds negativity. So, do not say negative things about your ex-spouse on social media or to anyone, especially in front of your children. It just makes you look bad and it prevents you from healing and moving on. Harboring and venting those resentful feelings is so completely exhausting. If you need to get something off your chest for your mental health, express those feelings to your therapist or a divorce support group, not your neighbor or sister.

Tip #5: Don’t bring up the past

I am not the same person I was when I got divorced. Neither is my ex-husband. So, that’s why when painful memories from the past creep into my mind, I don’t even entertain the thought. I got divorced more than 14 years ago, JUST LET IT GO! He’s changed. I’ve changed. We’ve gone our separate ways. When you bring up past issues, it creates painful emotions and memories. EVERYONE can see it except you and in the long run it will ruin future healthy relationships.

Tip #6: Let time heal wounds

It is so hard to see past the anger and hate, but as time goes by, it won’t sting as much as it did before. Especially when you are newly divorced, do not speak to your ex-husband or ex-wife when you are emotional. Take time to calm down. It may take a long time like months or years but you can have a bright future ahead of you. My divorce feels like a lifetime ago. It doesn’t hurt anymore. I am happy. He is happy. We’ve moved on.

Bonus tips and tricks for divorce

Here’s some other ways to build a healthy relationship with your former spouse:

• Include your ex-spouse when making major decisions about your children
• Reach out and find new friend groups and new connections
• Be open-minded when your ex-spouse finds potential partners
• Create your own support system with a family member, extended family or a best friend
• Take time for yourself before starting another romantic relationship
• Respect your child custody rules and work on your co-parenting relationship
• Involve your former spouse in major life changes that will impact him or her such as buying a new house, etc.
• Understand that the divorce process isn’t the same for everyone and embrace this new phase of life
• Don’t let the feelings of loneliness and finding love cloud your judgment

Important note: This article in no way condones abusive behavior whether mental, physical or emotional. If you are a victim of such abuse, please contact the appropriate authorities.

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